1984

26 years ago today, my Mom woke me up after my father had left for work, ate breakfast and went to school. That afternoon I received a message from the office that I needed to go home with my cousins on their bus. This was the day that my life changed. At the age of 39, my father had unexpectedly died of a massive heart attack. He had been away on a 2 week business trip and arrived home too late the night before to tuck me into bed. The next year is a blur, different people handle things different ways and our mother was no exception. For the first time in my life, I was experiencing the absence of love….the need for love….the desire to love. And it was devastating slew of emotions for a child of 9 to process.

I have two amazing children, one of whom I raised alone for 10 years ( she is now age 12) and the other who held on through a life threatening pregnancy and has had endured his share of health issues as a result (he is now 17 months). I have a husband who has embraced my daughter and stood by my side throughout everything we have been through. He is my rock, he is my best friend and I couldn’t imagine life without him. I have an ex-husband who I dated throughout college, and very briefly married as a result of my pregnancy. And after 12 rocky years, we get along and spend time and holidays together with our daughter, my husband and my son. I have a mother whom I adore. She is funny, beautiful and amazing with all she has endured. I had the blessing of a “second chance father” (I don’t use the term Stepfather for him), who not only loved my mother, but he loved my child more that a person could imagine and touched everyone he ever met. He tragically passed away 3 years ago. I have a brother that I am extremely close to and a stepsister who I wish I could be closer to. And I have an abundance of friends that I love, admire and hold close to my heart.

And yet, even with all of these blessings and after all this time, I find myself incredible uneasy with the "idea" love. I don’t express sentiment easily. I don’t believe that adults need “best friends”. I don’t hug. I am fearful of loss. I am fearful of letting myself love. My walls are high and I am aware of that. I’m not quite sure where to start on this month’s journey, but I’m ready for it. To be continued….