Peace is Every Step

For the past hour, I have been pacing around my office thinking about what to write for my update post today.  Not really what to write, but how to begin explaining what has been going on this last week.  The past week has been this whirlwind of self-reflection and (hopefully) life changes, so forgive me now if this is a long post.  After reading everyone's January Detox Plan, I realized that when I posted my hopes for this month I wasn't being honest with myself and my plan was rather superficial.  Cutting down on my alcohol intake and hamburger consumption, albeit very important if I want to live a more healthy lifestyle, is not going to change the things that are really toxic in my life.

I saw parts of myself in everyone's plan for this month.  This is not surprising, as you are all very close to me and we all share the good (and the bad) things that bring us together.  I think the one that hit home the most was: Negativity.  For the past two years, I suffered from debilitating anxiety attacks that always hit when I was driving.  Not good when you have your loved ones in the car.  My skin would get really hot, my breathing would get very labored and then I would get close to fainting.  They always manifested when I had no option to exit (ie on a bridge or road construction) and no shoulder to pull over to, so basically I was stuck driving trying to overcome these attacks without killing anyone in the process.  Since they manifested under these certain circumstances, I assumed that maybe I had a fear of being enclosed or controlled that was just popping up late in life.  It took 2 years of self-diagnosing and treating before I realized that the cause was right in front of me and this was just my body's way of saying "HEY, WAKE THE HELL UP & GET OUT OR THIS STRESS IS GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!"  Once I realized the cause, the attacks went away.  Although, I have made changes in my life to deal with this cause, I have not fully nipped all the negativity brought on by it in the bud and it is effecting me still.  Not to the extent that it had been but it is still very toxic.  Last week, I realized that although I can't fully omit these people from my life and I certainly can't stop the negativity that is thrown at me on a daily basis by them, I CAN control how I let it effect ME.  In the end, they have NO control over me as much as they wish they could. One would think that this is so obvious, but it is very difficult to not let critisism and mean remarks hurt you.  So what can I do? 

I started by not only acknowledging it but letting these people know that they had no more control over my emotions.  I now am fully in control of how I let others actions effect me and I can feel the difference in my well being and over all state of mind.  I have been smiling more at people and having conversations with strangers that I normally would shrink away from.   The texts certainly haven't stopped but I have been practicing Conscious Breathing to work through the emotion instead of letting it take me over.  I am also working on controlling my own negative thoughts but for the most part I am pretty optimistic. 

My initial goals have definitely taken a back seat to the more important issues but they are still being acknowledge and worked on, manageably.  The drinking has cut down significantly but not been cut off but I will expound on that in another post.  Although, I am still working on it because it is a habit that isn't positive, I have realized that I need to focus on things that are really going to change my life.   I have changed my diet by taking out a large portion of processed foods and I didn't have one hamburger last week. Whoo hoo!  I have included supplements:  a multi vitamin, liquid cholorphyll and aloe vera juice.  I am still researching more supplements that will suit me and my lifestyle.  I have gone to yoga and pilates 3 times in the past week and feel stronger and more centered albeit still very sore.  I have begun reading Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh and I am implementing his teachings into my day to day.  I have quit reading the gossip blogs cold turkey.  And finally, I have started detoxing the house, which might need it more than I do.

Besos...