LOVE is a precious thing

As we wrap up this month of love, I am reminded just how precious LOVE really is…yesterday I found out that a friend’s husband was tragically killed in an accident. They woke up … maybe hugged and kissed each other good morning…had their coffee…usual routine. Then later that day he was gone. Just like that.

Some of us may have a perfect loving marriage…some of us may struggle with anger issues or infidelity issues…some of us may not have found “the one” yet…some us may not know how to commit or want to commit. Whatever the case may be – we weren’t promised that LOVE would be easy…it’s a journey that hopefully will lead to 10, 20, or 30 years of a fun-filled ride.

This blog is supposed to create change in our lives. Not just for the month but a change that will continue throughout the years. From now on, I want to make sure that I show my husband, family, and friends that I love them. I want them to KNOW…without a doubt…that they mean the world to me. Because let me tell ya – life is way too short. When I’m gone I don’t want them to wonder about anything.

I squeezed my honey extra hard last night. I hope you all will do the same.

I will NEVER starve

There are few things more precious in this world than watching true love blossom.  I've had the amazing opportunity to witness my sweet, younger sister find the love of her life.  As we are planning and getting ready for her wedding in a couple of weeks, I am inspired by their love, devotion and passion for one another and I can't wait to watch them exchange their vows. My sister waited, hoped, prayed for and finally met the man that "completes her".  I look forward to watching them grow old together.  I LOVE true love!

Tonight I started working on my speech for their wedding and as I was going through some of my books of poetry, I found a copy of  "The Mastery of Love".  I mentioned this incredible book on my last post.  No matter where you are in the many phases of love, this book offers timeless wisdom.  (Ashley, if you haven't found a copy yet, you can borrow mine.)

Below is the exert that I just happened to flip tonight.  

-The Magical Kitchen-

"Imagine that you have a magical kitchen in your home. In that magical kitchen, you can have any food you want from any place in the world in any quantity.  You never worry about what to eat; whatever you wish for, you have it at your table.  You are very generous with your food; you give your food unconditionally to others, not because you want something in return from them. Whoever comes to your home, you feed them just for the pleasure of sharing your food, and your house is always full of people who come to eat the food from your magical kitchen.

Then one day someone knocks at your door, and its a person with a pizza.  You open the door and the person looks at you and says, 'Hey, do you see this pizza? I'll give you this pizza if you let me control your life, just do whatever I want you to do.  You are never going to starve because I can bring pizza every day.  You just have to be good to me.'

Can you imagine your reaction?  In your kitchen you can have the same pizza-even better.  Yet this person comes to you and offers you food, if you do whatever he wants you to do. You are going to laugh and say, 'No thank you!  I don't need your food; I have plenty of food. You can come into my house and eat whatever you want, and you don't have to do anything.  Don't believe I'm going to do whatever you want me to do.  No one will manipulate me with food.'

Now imagine exactly the opposite.  Several weeks have gone by, and you haven't eaten.  You are starving, and you have no money in your pocket to buy food.  The person comes with a pizza and says, 'Hey there is food here.  You can have this food if you just do what I want you to do.'  You smell the food and you are starving.  You decide to accept the food and do what ever the person asks of you.  You eat some food, and he say, 'If you want more, you can have more, but you have to keep doing what I want you to do.'

You have food for today, but tomorrow you may not have food, so you agree to do whatever you can for food.  You become a slave because of food, because you have to have it.  Then after a certain time you have doubts.  You say, 'What am I going to do without my pizza.  What if my partner decides to give the pizza to someone else---MY pizza?'

Now imagine that instead of food, we are talking about love.  You have an abundance of love in your heart.  You have love not just for yourself, but for the whole world.  You love so much that you don't need any one's love.  You share your love without condition, you don't love if.  You are a millionaire in love, and someone knocks on your door and says, 'Hey, I have love for you here.  You can have my love if you just do whatever I want you to do.'

When you are full of love, what is going to be your reaction?  You will laugh and say, 'Thank you, but I don't need your love.  I have the same love here in my heart, even bigger and better, and I share my love without condition.'

But what is going to happen if you are starving for love, if you don't have that love in your heart, and someone comes and says, 'You want a little love?  You can have my love if you just do what I want you to do.'  If you are starving for love, you can taste that love, you are going to do whatever you can for that love.  You can even be so needy that you give your soul just for a little attention.

Your heart is like that magical kitchen.  If you open your heart, you already have all the love you need.  There is no need to go around the world begging for love.  'Please someone love me.  I'm so lonely, I'm not good enough to love; I need someone to love me, to prove that I'm worthy of love.'  We have love right here inside us, but we don't see this love..............."

Don Miguel Ruiz

Sometimes we may think we are starving for a relationship, but we just need to open and share our hearts with the people in our lives.  We should try to push away the temptation to think that we don't believe in love, that love hurts, or that love isn't fair.  I almost married the pizza dude, because I was starving at that point in my life.  Luckily, with the help and support of my nearest and dearest, I realized that I will NEVER starve-and those around me will never starve either-they can always find nourishment from my magical kitchen.  Corny?-yeah, but oh so true!

Take this job and....

I love my J.O.B. I really really do.

After being out of the game for about 2 ½ years…..I am back in the profession that I love and I am HAPPY. Most of the time – it’s great. I actually look forward to Monday mornings now! But on those times it’s tough – and this past week it has been – I have to remember
what it was like in Memphis...sitting in my car at the park when I was supposed to be out selling advertising...dreaming of what it would be like to be back in NYC working in TV.

I have a lot to be grateful for and for the rest of this month – where we are focusing on love – I am going to smile just a little bit more. Talk to someone I don’t know in the office. And just try and be a more positive person.

I wonder how many of you all out there are burnt out by your job? Overworked and under-appreciated at your job? Hate your boss? Is it time to move on and find your true passion?

Tasty Aphrodisiacs…

I love food, not as much as I love my family, friends and soon to be husband, but outside of people, I love food. I love shopping for fresh produce and meats, I love cooking, I love the look on Jason’s face when I really scored on a recipe. I love the excitement of trying a new restaurant or the anticipation of an old one (god bless the Shag roll at Uchi). I love interesting tastes, flavors and combinations of both. I also love the idea of food contributing to love.




I bought this cookbook (InterCourses: an aphrodisiac cookbook) about 4 years ago when Jason and I moved in together. The photography is stunning and the recipes are interesting. Although I don't know much about if they work or not, and I don’t really use it that often as a cookbook, I love the stories that come along with each recipe, about a moment in time, the flavors that contributed to it and how all together it makes a sweet memory. We recently went to a book signing by the author here in Austin. It was in a lingerie shop which just added to the fun. I have to say that meeting the author has renewed my desire to add some spice (and love) to the kitchen.

XOXO

I have had a terrific morning with my boys so far. Homemade cards and hand dipped long-stemmed strawberries started my morning off right. I found these beautiful strawberries at Whole Foods and melted a lovely block of bittersweet chocolate and let them set. I dipped some banana for the little monkey in the house.

Hubby surprised me Friday night with a Flip Ultra video recorder and as expected a sentimental andthoughtful love letter that made me cry. It's a funny thing because I always have to read his letters out loud in front of him because I cannot always read his handwriting...it's very unique, and so I stumble through it getting emotional and he has to finish some words for me which is a good thing when you're teary-eyed.

I did give my man a love letter of my own, recalling a time when we were saying goodbye as friends and we kissed, but it was different and I knew our friendship had blossomed into something more. I can still feel the energy from that moment and how marvelous I felt knowing that we had passed the threshhold of just being friends into something more. I walked away from that moment into the rain and walked a mile home enjoying the rain and smiling all the way. Soaking wet, but very happy.

Now This is LOVE

From My Valentine To All of You! xo

Take Four

I don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer on love this month so I haven’t blogged as much as I’d like. That last post was extreme – I was venting but still letting true feelings out. The truth is that marriage really is a challenge and takes work – and I’ve never been very good at “homework.” I really need to pay attention to my mate and with two very young children I haven’t been doing that enough if at all.

We haven’t found a counselor – he doesn’t want to and yes that makes me mad, but if I find one he will go. We just start to get better and then I don’t look for one anymore. Instead I keep my ears open for any advice that inspires me enough to do something (this blog inspires me - not necessarily writing it but by reading my fellow blogstress's posts). I wouldn’t steer many to Dr. Phil for marriage tips but the other day he said one that I thought really could help…the first 4 minutes of greeting your partner set the tone for the rest of the day/evening.

When the hubs comes home and I’ve been cooking and the kids are screaming and the first thing I say is “here! You take the baby!” The rest of the night will probably hold that same tension. Many times he walks in the door and I'm just annoyed in general maybe because he's a little late or we didn't speak much that day or whatever and so I just don't say anything to him at all and in turn he doesn't say anything to me...we kind of just revolve around each other. Dr. P says to take the time to say “hi dear how was your day and give him a kiss on the cheek” and then talk about how stressed the day has been. Same goes for him – he can’t come in grumbling and I told him he can’t come in yelling at someone on his cell phone.

The bottom line is we both do love each other very much we just haven't had time for each other so for now we are taking those first 4 minutes. It's a start.

Love wins!!!

Well, I am finally able to blog about a topic that I know so much and yet so little about.  

What I do know about love, I learned from my parents.  They have an amazing devotion to one another that reminds me often that "true love" does exist.  Even in their late 50's, they have been known to show P.D.A.  Is not rare for my mom to say, "Look at your Daddy, isn't he the most handsome man you've ever seen?"  Or for my dad to swing her around in the kitchen, into the cradle of his arm and kiss her lovingly.  Oh, and you should see them dance.............

My parents have said countless times, "We love you kids tremendously and we'd die for each and every one of you, but I love your Mom/Dad even more."  I think that this may have been their "secret".  No matter what, they were a "team".  It was the two of them against the world..and sometimes their own children.  

My sister's and I have said numerous times, "I want to find a man like my Dad."  But, we need to remember that my dad loves the way that he loves because my mom deserves this treatment. She is loyal and respectful, cuddly and kind, & she expects respect and patience from the man she trusted with her heart 37 years ago.  I  hope that I can be like her toward the man that I am destined to fall madly in love with.

My parents also taught us that true love IS out there.  We just can't rush it or settle.  At times, I have considered it somewhat of a plague, to grow up in an environment so rich with affection, loyalty, patience and devotion.  I have wondered if they set the bar too high. Does this kind of love and respect still exist in our generation? I have been baffled that I haven't found it yet.  I have dreamed about and hoped for it for many, many years.  I even thought that I had found it on a few occasions.....but I still haven't come close to finding the kind of love that my parents share.  

However, a few years ago, I came across the book that not only opened my eyes about romantic love, but taught me how to show "love" to my friends, family members and even strangers. Don Miguel Luis's "The Mastery of Love" is the ONE book that I recommend to everyone I can and I have given away more copies than I can count.   It will open your eyes and heart to the true meaning of love and how to recognize and exemplify love to all the people in your life.  I believe that every person who reads that book will find enlightenment.  I realized that though I may not have found the love of my life yet, I can live lovingly.

**** I am going to post some of my favorite poems, quotes, lyrics and stories that I have collected in my journals over the years.....as you might have gathered, I have always had a thing for "love".......

"You can whip it & and beat it senseless, you can drag it through the streets and spit on it, you can even dangle it from a tree, drive spikes trough it, and drain the last breath from it, but in the end, no matter what you do and no matter how hard try to kill it, LOVE wins."

Charles Martin, Wrapped In Rain

Home

My love song...

Fighting Words…

Although Jason and I are not yet at this point, I found this article in the New York Times, “Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear” very inspiring about how we look at each other as a couple. When her husband told her, “I no longer love you,” she chooses to take a different route than I would have in that situation. I would have cried, screamed, put up a wall (mature, I know) but she didn’t. Although I don’t think her way would work for every couple out there, I think it reminds me about how best to deal with differences so they are not a relationship ending fight.

Although we don’t fight often, when we do, lord, watch out. I will scream, curse and mainly resemble an exorcism, so I have been working really hard on how to “fight” in a more constructive way. We have both been working on how best to communicate about disagreements in a respectful tone, to speak about the problem and solution and to move forward. As you can probably relate, often our arguments are less about the moment but a bigger issue underneath. Some of the smallest steps, such as staying on the current subject, listening fully, keeping a positive tone and both saying sorry, have really helped us.

I think we are making great strides in this area and are becoming a stronger couple because of it. I hope we never reach a point as this couple did, but I admire her strength and calm ability to see the bigger picture and ultimately the underlying issue at hand.

No Beauty in Perfection

Yesterday, I came across an interview on Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project blog of Lori Gottlieb who wrote a book titled MARRY HIM.  Ms. Rubin occasionally posts short interviews with people that she finds have an interesting take on happiness.  I like to follow her posts and there was a portion of her latest interview that really hit home and reinforced a little life lesson that I recently learned.  While researching for her book, Ms. Gottlieb interviewed Susan Page, a well known relationship expert.  Here is what she had to say:

She told me that she'd always envisioned herself marrying a highly educated professional, but she ended up marrying a potter. And it was through her husband’s work as a potter that Page came up with an analogy she finds relevant to relationships.


“In America,” she said, “when a potter makes a pot, they put a glaze on it and put it in the kiln and know exactly what it’s supposed to look like when it comes out. When the Japanese make a pot, they put it in a wood- fire kiln that could be any temperature, and when they take the pot out, it’s not always exactly like they thought it was supposed to look like. And they say, ‘Oh, wow, this is what the fire did to the pot and it’s gorgeous!’ They believe that there’s no beauty in perfection.

“So instead of knowing what the person across from you is supposed to be like, ask yourself the pot question, ‘What is it, and is it beautiful?’ rather than thinking, ‘It’s not this and it should look like this.’ The question you have to ask is, ‘Do I like it?’ instead of ‘How does it compare to what I thought I wanted?’ People can surprise you.”

The first two years of my relationship with "B" were filled with "supposed to be" questions and assumptions.  Looking back, I am amazed he stayed with me despite my monthly relationship dissections and my nagging need for "better communication".  I constantly compared our relationship to our friends' relationships and to what was "normal" by society's standards.  And I wasn't very happy at all.  About 6 months ago, we had made the decision to move in together and I needed to make the ultimate relationship dissection and decide if this was the right move for my daughter and me.  I knew that I needed to stop looking outward (comparing myself to others, asking friend's advice or following a "plan") and just follow my heart.  I realized that the reason "B" and I were so right for each other was because we weren't "typical" people, so why should I expect us to have a typical relationship that follows a typical trajectory.  I decided to let go of all my expections and just live in the moment with this man that I love deeply and purely and who loves me the same way.  I couldn't be happier with where we are now.  The "supposed to be" questions occasionaly pop up but I am able to push them aside and just "BE".

You can find the whole interview here:
The Happiness Project: "Marriage is about...Tea, Doctor's Appointments, Trivia and Quirks"  

1 year

This weekend D and I celebrated 1 year of marriage. At the same time we have been discussing starting a family and all that goes with it. Since my last post we haven't turned on the TV, we've looked at each other in the eye every night, and worked through our feelings. It turns out we agree on a lot more than we thought, and the whole process has made us closer. By Saturday we were laughing and teasing each other again. We celebrated our anniversary away this weekend, in San Antonio (neither of us had ever been). Sticking to the "paper" tradition, my husband wrote me a poem as my gift. I was so touched I cried right there at dinner. You have to know my husband is a linear, logical thinker. When he does something, he does it 110%. He researched poetry, read poetry, and expressed his thoughts perfectly in cursive (which he said he had to re learn). The poem is about a single feeling, the feeling he gets when he is coming home to me at the end of a long day. I'm feeling very loved right now, as the 5 love languages says, my love tank is full.

Love Letters

I have received too many love letters to count over the past 9 years from my writer husband. I find them stashed in different places from time to time when I least expect them. I wish I was more organized and had them all together, but it's nice to open a drawer where the extra table linens are and find a handwritten card from 2003 or a sweet birthday greeting tucked into a paperback book on the shelf.

I ran across the useful item below today on Daily Candy and thought maybe I could use some of the tips to create my own love letter to my man for V-day. I never know what to buy for him besides candy and in this day and time, free is wonderful and a personal touch is priceless. I hope he will appreciate it as much as his words mean to me after all these years together.

http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Love-Letter

Pain, Pain, Go Away

This sucks.

It's Saturday night, and as many experience at the beginning of any breakup, I'm alone.

I haven't seen "him" in over a week, and we had what could be our last conversation on Wednesday. I'm trying to stay "strong" but I may have to hide my phone from myself in a minute. I keep reminding myself that the pain of staying in an unhealthy relationship is probably worse than the pain of moving on. Regardless, it all hurts.

How is it possible to be miserable with someone, and just as miserable apart?

Yet another great mystery of life. Meh.

May my next post be more positive.

Love My Friends

Like most Friday nights, last night I got into bed early. My husband had some guys over, so I climbed into bed and watched Steel Magnolias. This movie is a favorite and always makes me think of many of my closest friends (so many that are involved with this blog)...which brings me to my Feb first entry. I LOVE MY GIRLFRIENDS!!!

I of course l-o-v-e my husband and my children more than life itself but, my girlfriends (you girls who are out there writing & reading this blog) mean the world to me. I was included into this group late in the game. I got to know Liz when we were working in NYC. Here and there I eventually met & became friends the rest of you. While I only get to see you all once a year or so but, those times I truly treasure. I love that we are all willing to go to the ends of the world to spend a long weekend with each other. The moment I hop on the plane to head back home, I'm already looking forward to the next time we can all get together again. I love that we cheer each other on. Help one another out. Go the extra mile. Forgive, forget. Make a late night phone call. Send a card. Squeeze in an extra bed. Make more room. Set an extra place. Open our hearts. Sometimes our wallets. Open our minds. Laugh more...and more.

Last night when I was watching Steel Magnolias, I wished we all lived close by like the gals in the movie. Truvy, Shelby, Ouiser, M'Lynn, Anelle...they always stuck together through the ups & downs of life. It gives me tremendous comfort to know that I have an incredible group of friends that have stayed close no matter where or what life brings. I love you all. Thank you for being such great friends to me. You are stuck with me forever.

The 5 Love Languages

Let the homework begin...

Traci just suggested I read the book The 5 Love Languages that was recommended to her by her pre-marital counselor.  I went online to research.  The 5 Love Languages are:  Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service & Physical Touch. They have an assessment online that I was able to get "B" to take with me.  It turns out that both of our primary language (by a landslide) is Physical Touch.  The site states: This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face--they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.  After Physical Touch, for "B", receiving Acts of Service (ie cleaning the house, doing the laundry) is the next best language to speak with, which happens to be a way that I speak to himoften.  Mostly because if I didn't we would live in filth.  But now that I know how important that is to him, I will probably do this with a lot less grumbling and a lot more love.  It was pretty much a tie for my next Love Language between Words of Affirmation and Quality Time.  Words of Affirmation are something  crave, so I wasn't surprised there, but Quality Time was kind of a shocker since I covet my alone time.  Although "B" is good on both accounts, it will be interesting to see if he steps it up a bit since learning they are so important to me.  Coming in last place for both of us... Receiving Gifts.  This is good news as he is hard to shop for and I rarely have any money. 

...good to know.

Dearly Beloved...

Like Cassie, I am getting married in a few months.  I got engaged a couple of weeks ago and I will be married before the end of April.  Wow!  Wow...

I have to admit... through the excitement I am feeling, I am also kind of scared.  Like most of us here, I grew up through my parents' multiple marriages and subsequent divorces.  As I got older and had my own relationships, they all ended not because of a lack of feelings or care for them but because we had just "grown apart".  I would say that this is probably what most people cite as the demise of their relationships, marriages included.  I am committing the rest of my life to B, but I think the "I do" is just the first step.  So now, I need to figure out what it takes to keep a husband and wife together through the good and the bad, united, yet keeping our own identities.  What makes one marriage succeed and the other one fail?  I have no clue, but that is what I am going to find out this month.  Everyone goes into their marriage with hope and a heart full of love, but I want to go in with all my guns loaded.  Ok, that didn't come out right, but you know what I mean.  I am doing my marriage homework, starting now.

Mrs. Riddell

My entire life - my greatest love has been my family. I have the most loving and generous parents who have been married for almost 40 years. I grew up seeing a healthy loving relationship and that really set the standard high for me. I finally found the one for me 4 years ago and man - I hope we get to celebrate our 40th anniversary together and more! (I’ll be 75, he’ll be 80! Totally doable right?) I moved home to Memphis from NYC after only knowing him 6 months. We moved in together…we were engaged 6 months later…..and then married that next year. It’s not always perfect….but it’s working out quite well. I love him more every day and I hope the same is true for him. Thinking about this month’s topic – LOVE – I knew right away what would be my focus this month. I will do what I need to do to officially change my name.

Elizabeth Garland West Riddell

I have always been Liz West. I like it. It's easy and it's who I am. But I need and want to start using Riddell The big question is where do I start? Wikihow.com had this to say.

1. Get copies of your marriage license - certified.

2. Social Security office first. Within 10 days they will notify the IRS.

3. DMV - change your driver's license.

4 Change your name with other agencies like passport, banks, credit cards, utilities, cell phone, place of employment.

Sounds manageable - those of you who have done it let me know if you have any pointers!

I'll keep ya posted!

Love, True Love...

In the infamous words of the Princess Bride, “Mawwage is what bwings us togwether today....” All my thoughts are around marriage right now. With a wedding in two months, I am trying to focus not on the details, such as "When is my wedding band going to be done? What shoes will I wear? And what details am I forgetting?" but instead focus on the marriage and what that means to me, but also what does this mean for my fiance. I come from a multiple divorced family, as does my fiancé, and sometimes I think this has really affected how I view love. I don’t have a healthy relationship on which to base my ideas of marriage and I think we both struggle to find our own definition of what our marriage is going to be and how to make sure we have a solid foundation.
We have taken a long and different road in getting to the altar, but I think it was what we both needed and was right for us. I had some growing up to do and he was willing to wait. I am blessed to have found someone who I truly love , admire and enjoy being with, so much so that I am committing to him for life. So for this month, I am going to focus on building a marriage with my fiancé, not just a wedding. I will keep you all posted as we take these steps down the aisle, but more importantly, down our lives together.

I hope that we will be like these two one day...

Lovingly

I love my husband and I love my son with everything in me and can't imagine my life without them. Do I act like it every day? Probably not. I know there is a difference between loving someone and acting lovingly toward someone. It's so easy to get caught up in all the nonsense each day of errands and cooking and laundry, etc. that I think I'm loving my family by doing for them, but sometimes there is no real or personal attention given from me. I have a pretty easy time giving affection to my son, but I know my husband would like much more. This month I am going to wake up each morning and meditate on how to act lovingly towards everyone I love. I will treat them with the kindness, patience and empathy they deserve every day no matter how I'm feeling. Chances are if I'm tired or impatient I will feel better after spending more quality time with my loved ones and taking the focus off of myself. Give love, get love.

In addition, I am going to finally find a babysitter for my almost 3 year old. I've never had anyone babysit him except for some family and as a result my husband and I do not have date nights. I want to make it happen for both of us so this month is as good as any to get started. It's not easy to imagine a stranger in my home taking care of my most precious gift, but I think in the long run it will be really good for all of us. Time to get some references!

Happy February everyone!

I Don't Love Roller Coasters

January was easy.

I'm a daily detoxer. I hardly drink. I eat pure and clean. I even started practicing yoga again.

"Hello February, month of love." (Not as easy as cutting back on caffeine).

I am really scared of roller coasters. So, I find it ironic that my relationship is one. It's pretty much been that way from the beginning. And here I am almost two years later--on the same ride. I will elaborate, but for now, I resolve to:

1. Practice loving myself first and foremost. Always.

2. Either learn to love roller coasters, or get off the ride. It's making me nauseous.

Love songs

It's funny how as soon as the LOVE month stars, I smash into one of my biggest marriage challenges so far. We are not on the exact-perfect-stars-align-same-page about having kids. I'm worried my eggs are going to shrivel up and die. He's worried we aren't going to have enough just us vacations to Europe. Ok so I over simplified there but it's helps me deal with what's happening. I know I'm not the first woman to feel this way. Breath. It's going to be ok. It always works out. This is not a 'real' problem. We don't have real problems. Haitians have problems. That puts things in perspective.

Before my husband, I have a pretty major history of dating douche bags. Each one had a glaring-brighter-than-the-sun flaw that of course I couldn't see, or wouldn't acknowledge at the time. I always thought, well I can just find a way to adapt and live with the fact that he is a flaming narcissist, or a serial cheater, or worse. So by the time I finally dumped the last one (on my own terms) I held my head high, and I knew what I wanted in a man, partner, lover, friend. And there he was. I believe that once you know what you deserve in love, in life, that is when it will happen. That is why positive thinking is so powerful. And that is something I still need to work on (from last month's theme, hmm). That along with some minor intimacy issues.

I've always been drawn to melancholy "love" music. Sometimes it's just the sounds, sometimes lyrics, sometimes both. I put together a quick playlist for everyone's hump day enjoyment. For all these particular songs I love both the sound and lyrics. Side note, I put this together on playlist.com, so not every song I wanted was available. Also, I apologize in advance for the last song but I had too. Sing it Mariah!

Mad Girl's Love Song, by Sylvia Plath

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)



I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

All you need is love?

When we decided on “love” for February I thought – “oh that’s fun and fitting for the month…let’s do it.” Then I thought to myself – “do I really want to go there?” I’m not sure I do yet. For me love stinks. The greatest love I feel is for my two amazing children. Everyone else, I could do without (well except for my girlfriends). I’ve been forced to be extremely independent from pretty early on – single parent upbringing and then on to live alone in NYC until 31.

My mother raised me to see a life where a woman can be just fine without a man (and no divorce wasn't the issue, but maybe we'll talk about that later). Every relationship I’ve been in I’ve called quits because it just started to be too much. I knew I wanted to be married and have children – or maybe I just waned the children. So I had a whirlwind romance/marriage and now I struggle with the fact that I can’t just call it quits. And let me tell you it is a weekly struggle.

This past week my husband did something unthinkable and love, respect and even fidelity have been in question. He did not cheat but he put himself in a situation where it could have happened – what’s worse? So as he eats crow I now am given the task of writing about love. Ha.

We can’t communicate, I don’t see him as my best friend anymore, I want so much more than what he can and will ever offer and yet I really do love him. I know I made the choice to marry this guy for a reason so I need to get back in touch with that. We have been given an extremely large set of challenges in the past two years so I try to be fair to that, but I really could just run away.

When I look at him and think I want to leave I do, I seriously do still love him. So…this month I’ll find a marriage counselor and see if love is worth saving in this case.

1984

26 years ago today, my Mom woke me up after my father had left for work, ate breakfast and went to school. That afternoon I received a message from the office that I needed to go home with my cousins on their bus. This was the day that my life changed. At the age of 39, my father had unexpectedly died of a massive heart attack. He had been away on a 2 week business trip and arrived home too late the night before to tuck me into bed. The next year is a blur, different people handle things different ways and our mother was no exception. For the first time in my life, I was experiencing the absence of love….the need for love….the desire to love. And it was devastating slew of emotions for a child of 9 to process.

I have two amazing children, one of whom I raised alone for 10 years ( she is now age 12) and the other who held on through a life threatening pregnancy and has had endured his share of health issues as a result (he is now 17 months). I have a husband who has embraced my daughter and stood by my side throughout everything we have been through. He is my rock, he is my best friend and I couldn’t imagine life without him. I have an ex-husband who I dated throughout college, and very briefly married as a result of my pregnancy. And after 12 rocky years, we get along and spend time and holidays together with our daughter, my husband and my son. I have a mother whom I adore. She is funny, beautiful and amazing with all she has endured. I had the blessing of a “second chance father” (I don’t use the term Stepfather for him), who not only loved my mother, but he loved my child more that a person could imagine and touched everyone he ever met. He tragically passed away 3 years ago. I have a brother that I am extremely close to and a stepsister who I wish I could be closer to. And I have an abundance of friends that I love, admire and hold close to my heart.

And yet, even with all of these blessings and after all this time, I find myself incredible uneasy with the "idea" love. I don’t express sentiment easily. I don’t believe that adults need “best friends”. I don’t hug. I am fearful of loss. I am fearful of letting myself love. My walls are high and I am aware of that. I’m not quite sure where to start on this month’s journey, but I’m ready for it. To be continued….