No Beauty in Perfection

Yesterday, I came across an interview on Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project blog of Lori Gottlieb who wrote a book titled MARRY HIM.  Ms. Rubin occasionally posts short interviews with people that she finds have an interesting take on happiness.  I like to follow her posts and there was a portion of her latest interview that really hit home and reinforced a little life lesson that I recently learned.  While researching for her book, Ms. Gottlieb interviewed Susan Page, a well known relationship expert.  Here is what she had to say:

She told me that she'd always envisioned herself marrying a highly educated professional, but she ended up marrying a potter. And it was through her husband’s work as a potter that Page came up with an analogy she finds relevant to relationships.


“In America,” she said, “when a potter makes a pot, they put a glaze on it and put it in the kiln and know exactly what it’s supposed to look like when it comes out. When the Japanese make a pot, they put it in a wood- fire kiln that could be any temperature, and when they take the pot out, it’s not always exactly like they thought it was supposed to look like. And they say, ‘Oh, wow, this is what the fire did to the pot and it’s gorgeous!’ They believe that there’s no beauty in perfection.

“So instead of knowing what the person across from you is supposed to be like, ask yourself the pot question, ‘What is it, and is it beautiful?’ rather than thinking, ‘It’s not this and it should look like this.’ The question you have to ask is, ‘Do I like it?’ instead of ‘How does it compare to what I thought I wanted?’ People can surprise you.”

The first two years of my relationship with "B" were filled with "supposed to be" questions and assumptions.  Looking back, I am amazed he stayed with me despite my monthly relationship dissections and my nagging need for "better communication".  I constantly compared our relationship to our friends' relationships and to what was "normal" by society's standards.  And I wasn't very happy at all.  About 6 months ago, we had made the decision to move in together and I needed to make the ultimate relationship dissection and decide if this was the right move for my daughter and me.  I knew that I needed to stop looking outward (comparing myself to others, asking friend's advice or following a "plan") and just follow my heart.  I realized that the reason "B" and I were so right for each other was because we weren't "typical" people, so why should I expect us to have a typical relationship that follows a typical trajectory.  I decided to let go of all my expections and just live in the moment with this man that I love deeply and purely and who loves me the same way.  I couldn't be happier with where we are now.  The "supposed to be" questions occasionaly pop up but I am able to push them aside and just "BE".

You can find the whole interview here:
The Happiness Project: "Marriage is about...Tea, Doctor's Appointments, Trivia and Quirks"