In...and...Out

Breathing in, I calm my body.

Breathing out, I smile.

I feel like I have had this on repeat a lot lately.  Luckily, I have found it successful in bringing me down off the ledge.  Thankfully...

Breathing in, I calm my body.

Breathing out, I smile.

I have learned a lot about myself this month. Some good and some bad.

The GOOD
I will always have people in my life that are filled with negativity.  I can control this to an extent but not fully.  With this in mind, I now know that I can fully control how I react to them.  I will say that this is my biggest achievement of this month.  And I was tested... a lot.  I was able to stay mindful and centered through out all that was thrown at me.  More like slung, really hard.  I did this with the practice of a lot of breathing.  Breathing is underrated.  Breathing is good.

My body is much stronger than it was at the beginning of this month.  With the help of yoga, pilates, supplements, drinking more water, getting more sleep, etc.  I just feel lighter all over.  I had originally felt this way when I took gluten out of my diet back in September but the feeling eventually went away.  It is an amazing feeling that I am hoping to sustain. 

I am slowly getting rid of the JUNK in the house and attempting to simplify my surroundings.  B should be on an episode of  "Hoarders".  I wonder if you can get someone on "Intervention" with only a shopping addiction.  I am going to work on a cross over episode.  I am just playing.  I love him dearly.  But when he is out of town (a lot) next month, I plan on purging.  I really hope he doesn't read this...

The BAD
I would say that my biggest "flaw" is that I am extremely habitual.  The ritual or consistency of doing something is harder for me to break than the act itself.  If that makes sense.  One habit that I have had for the past few years is that once the child goes to bed, I enjoy 2 cocktails.  They are not stiff cocktails.  Just a splash.  This is something I thoroughly enjoy.  I sit down in front of the TV or read a book and I have 2 drinks (never more).  Nightly.  In the beginning of this process, all fired up, I did pretty well breaking up this habit.  But it has been very difficult to break altogether.  And even though this is something I enjoy, the habit of it scares me a bit.  I have never been that crazy party girl or some binge drinker.  I DID have one night in high school that left me walking home in the middle of the night holding a bottle of Southern Comfort in one hand and 1 shoe in the other.  After that, I actually didn't drink at all again until I was 22.  Since then I feel like I have been a very responsible drinker albeit a consistent one.  I KNOW that this is a habit I need to break.  But I haven't.  But I am aware and I am working on it.  I still feel that I kind of failed in regards to this portion of my resolutions.  That feeling kind of stinks...

Oprah

I tivo Oprah everyday just in case she has something really great that I need to see. Well last night even my husband wanted to watch because she did her show with the guy who did Food Inc. We still haven't seen it, but it's coming up on Netflix. We were eating dinner while we watched and both literally put the fork down, jaws dropped when they started talking about the chickens. Shocking. D and I have tried to be very conscious about the food we eat, and I think we do pretty well, but after watching last night, I know we can do better. The most profound thing he talked about was how as the price of food has dropped, the price of health care has risen. The last part of the show was devoted to interviewing Alicia Silverstone about her new book, The Kind Diet. I am definitely going to get the book and try some of the recipes. Going vegan seems very out of reach, but I'm open to hearing more and her whole message seemed very approachable, and the food looked great! Has anyone tried it?

Inbox

A friend emailed this to me today, it's long but worth sharing:

HANDBOOK 2010

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray or meditate.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control.

Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't overdo. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past.

That will ruin your present happiness.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Derailed by a Bacon Doughnut

Two whirlwind weeks in a row!

I just returned from a very romantic train trip from Seattle to Los Angeles.  I flew in to Seattle with my boyfriend and flew out of Los Angeles with my fiance.  Whoo hoo choo choo!  However, during my celebrations I have lost sight of pretty much everything I have been working on this month.  I am getting back on track as of today. 

Also, congratulations to Shelly for finishing her Master Cleanse.  I really don't think I could do it although I would like to try.  It has been a hard enough battle trying to give up my nightcap every night, so to give up not only that but also food for almost 2 weeks is beyond impressive.   

Alright, time to head back to my center...

No Booze for You

I have to say, I love reading everyone’s posts and progress so far, very inspirational, props to the ladies in the house! What, what! On my front, skipping the red wine and other boozy drinks had been treating me well. It hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be (so far- tonight I will be craving the Cabernet as punishment for that statement) I am feeling slimmer, lighter and my rings are coming on and off much easier. I have more energy, tons of energy, which I think is a combination of better meals, no alcohol and my Yoga classes.

The downside to all this energy is my Insomnia has increased with a vengeance. I now remember why I drink the Pinot to wind down in the evening. I have had insomnia since childhood. Once the 40 hour work week started and the naps after class ended (ahh the glory days of youth) I finally went to get diagnosed and get some help. Most nights, I take a sleeping pill only when I am feeling particularly high energy and know I will have difficulty bringing myself down, this is usually only once or twice a week. Lately, I have been bouncing off the walls at 11pm with no end in sight, even with the sleeping pills. My boundless energy and my fiancés snoring is driving me to the guest bedroom, not good. It’s becoming a Catch 22 at this point, because sleep is very, very, important to me, but I am really committed to sticking this out over the next few weeks. I will try to be patient, take a deep breath, tell my fiancé to put on a damn BreatheRite and continue down this road to see where it takes me.

Editors note: I know I didn’t mention the detoxing of my house, mainly because there has not been much progress, but I have a few more weeks and am confident I will get there.

Peace is Every Step

For the past hour, I have been pacing around my office thinking about what to write for my update post today.  Not really what to write, but how to begin explaining what has been going on this last week.  The past week has been this whirlwind of self-reflection and (hopefully) life changes, so forgive me now if this is a long post.  After reading everyone's January Detox Plan, I realized that when I posted my hopes for this month I wasn't being honest with myself and my plan was rather superficial.  Cutting down on my alcohol intake and hamburger consumption, albeit very important if I want to live a more healthy lifestyle, is not going to change the things that are really toxic in my life.

I saw parts of myself in everyone's plan for this month.  This is not surprising, as you are all very close to me and we all share the good (and the bad) things that bring us together.  I think the one that hit home the most was: Negativity.  For the past two years, I suffered from debilitating anxiety attacks that always hit when I was driving.  Not good when you have your loved ones in the car.  My skin would get really hot, my breathing would get very labored and then I would get close to fainting.  They always manifested when I had no option to exit (ie on a bridge or road construction) and no shoulder to pull over to, so basically I was stuck driving trying to overcome these attacks without killing anyone in the process.  Since they manifested under these certain circumstances, I assumed that maybe I had a fear of being enclosed or controlled that was just popping up late in life.  It took 2 years of self-diagnosing and treating before I realized that the cause was right in front of me and this was just my body's way of saying "HEY, WAKE THE HELL UP & GET OUT OR THIS STRESS IS GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!"  Once I realized the cause, the attacks went away.  Although, I have made changes in my life to deal with this cause, I have not fully nipped all the negativity brought on by it in the bud and it is effecting me still.  Not to the extent that it had been but it is still very toxic.  Last week, I realized that although I can't fully omit these people from my life and I certainly can't stop the negativity that is thrown at me on a daily basis by them, I CAN control how I let it effect ME.  In the end, they have NO control over me as much as they wish they could. One would think that this is so obvious, but it is very difficult to not let critisism and mean remarks hurt you.  So what can I do? 

I started by not only acknowledging it but letting these people know that they had no more control over my emotions.  I now am fully in control of how I let others actions effect me and I can feel the difference in my well being and over all state of mind.  I have been smiling more at people and having conversations with strangers that I normally would shrink away from.   The texts certainly haven't stopped but I have been practicing Conscious Breathing to work through the emotion instead of letting it take me over.  I am also working on controlling my own negative thoughts but for the most part I am pretty optimistic. 

My initial goals have definitely taken a back seat to the more important issues but they are still being acknowledge and worked on, manageably.  The drinking has cut down significantly but not been cut off but I will expound on that in another post.  Although, I am still working on it because it is a habit that isn't positive, I have realized that I need to focus on things that are really going to change my life.   I have changed my diet by taking out a large portion of processed foods and I didn't have one hamburger last week. Whoo hoo!  I have included supplements:  a multi vitamin, liquid cholorphyll and aloe vera juice.  I am still researching more supplements that will suit me and my lifestyle.  I have gone to yoga and pilates 3 times in the past week and feel stronger and more centered albeit still very sore.  I have begun reading Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh and I am implementing his teachings into my day to day.  I have quit reading the gossip blogs cold turkey.  And finally, I have started detoxing the house, which might need it more than I do.

Besos...

my sister my guide.

My 26 year old sister just celebrated her 3 year birthday with AA. The first time she tried getting sober she was 22 years old. She knew she had a problem, had hit her rock bottom, and was seeking help. After a week in the hospital (detoxing), she was released into the world with a fragile set of tools to start her new sober life. She relapsed 4 months later. She described hitting her second rock bottom as happening so fast it was like the years 15-22 packed into 2 months. She wouldn't go back there again. I have always adored my sister, but in the past 3 years she has been such an inspiration to me, there are really no words to describe how much I look up to her, rely on her for advice and wisdom, and needless to say, my sister has taught me a lot about detox. We spend many hours on the phone dissecting problems I have with friends, a boyfriend, now a husband, a family member, myself, and she always seems to know the right answer, the healthy way to deal with life. I went to an AA meeting with her once and was shocked to realize that the lessons learned in AA are lessons that every one of us can benefit from. We all have addictions in our life that manifest in different ways. I truly believe after knowing my sister that everyone of us has some sort of addiction. When I was trying to decide what to write about for this post, of course I immediately called my sister to discuss. I told her I felt like last year was kind of a detox year for me. I got married and merged a household. This in itself forces you to work as a team and de-clutter your life into a combined new life. It was liberating letting all that old crap go, and so rewarding to share my life with my husband, like having a clean slate. I also completely cut out social smoking. I had been smoking with girlfriends since I was 15. At the age of 32 I was regretting my choice the next morning every time. On a trip to Memphis with my husband, I saw a group of 40-something women and their husbands in the lobby of the Peabody. They were like us (but older) dressed up, drinking wine, having a night out on the town. The ladies all had their iphones and their Marlboro Lights. That's it! I decided. I do not want to be like that, and I'm heading down that path. I'm not all that far from 40 and I didn't want to be one of those women. My sister asked me, "what makes you unhappy about yourself". Apparently if you can answer that question you can start searching for the root cause and then start making a change. I decided the number 1 thing right now that made me unhappy was my lack of confidence. It's been a little daunting moving to a new place (from Birmingham to Austin) knowing no one, working from home, and trying to get my photography business re-vamped. I really related to Andrea's post about detoxifng the notion of failure and I have already started trying to implement her plan. It's definitely day by day, and this 30 degree weather isn't helping, but I know I can work on this and my sister will be there to support me 100%. I want to thank Ashley for inviting me to participate in this project. It could not have come at a better time. Bring on 2010!

I will leave you ladies with the serenity prayer (which I learned from my sister): God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Side note, my sister got married on December 27th at my parents home. What a young beautiful blushing bride; I am bias, but I think she lights up the world! You can see for yourself here: http://jessicaotwell.com/

A Dedication

Yesterday, B sent me my 2010 hororscope which included some interesting predictions:
*As a whole the 2010 year of white Tiger is a favorable time for exchanging experience, ideas and plans.
*The relations with your friends will be affable and stable.
*This year Leos may start an affair with a person senior than you and/or public, authoritative, even with a famous one.  (huh???)

Aside from the last one, I don't think this horoscope could be any more appropriate for what we have embarked on this year.  I came up with the idea of this blog a couple of months ago as a personal journey I wanted to take and document in the new year.  As I started working out the particulars, I realized that this was a project way better suited for a group of friends.  When I moved to NYC over 10 years ago, I was blessed to befriend an amazing group of talented girls.  Over the years some of us have moved away, gotten married, had kids, etc, BUT we have still remained very close.  I thought this would be the perfect outlet for us to unite despite our distance.  I am so grateful for having these girls in my life.  They are the inspiration of this Blog and are a huge part of making it a reality.  Since leaving NY and moving back to Austin, I have made some new friends and reconnected with old ones that I find inspiring.  Friendship between women is not something to be taken for granted and I am so fortunate to have made these new friends and I wanted them to be a part of this project as well.  So here we are: 1 month, 1 change.  Just from the posts that have gone up in the last few days, I can tell this is going to exceed everything I had hoped it would achieve.  I am beyond insprired.  I am rethinking and revamping my own goals for this month, as I think we all are. 
We have an exciting road ahead of us...

Dedicated to:
MBM, Jen*, Shelly, Jen, Liz and (not pictured) LA

Speaking of detox...

I was just minding my own business, purising my google reader and came across this article. It seems relevant to our theme this month so I thought I would share. Kinda scary all the toxic chemicals we come in contact with daily.

Side note: my friend Christen just started this Ecossetial's blog a few days ago.

Detox = Dr. Dre

When I googled detox to come up with some ideas for this month, Google came back with about 11,800,000 pages, wow! People are not joking around. The pages range from diets, cleanses and a Dr Dre album to drug and alcohol facilities. Now while I could take the easy road and pledge to listen to more of Dr Dre’s Detox album this month, I will try to give myself a little more of a challenge and go the cleanse and alcohol route.

First up- my red wine habit, rough on the budget and my waistline. I drink empty calories by the glass almost every night, sometimes more than one and it doesn’t help that my partner in crime, my lovely fiancé, enjoys the vino as much as I do. So I am going to Detox this month by not drinking any red wine or alcoholic drinks during the week, Monday- Thursday (editors note: except for Happy Hours) I will and can do this!

Another area of my life that needs some detoxing is my home. I love my house but I have now been living in it for two years, it is the longest I have lived in one home, nod to my old transient days of past. Without the annual moving of things and throwing out of crap, I notice my house has attracted piles of who knows what in corners, closets and cupboards. With the upcoming wedding and new goodies rolling in to help start our marriage, I pledge to detox my house of all the old pots, pans, luggage, unused sporting equipment and general junk this month!

Now I know some of you are out there are shaking your fingers at me and saying, no wine and cleaning your house, really tough Cassie! But hey, I need to set achievable goals and I mean, I could just be listening to more Dr. Dre.

Debbie Downer

I ended 2009 playing on Facebook. If that’s not a catalyst for change, I don’t know what is…. Oh, well. I ran across an app that showed a summary of my status updates over the past year. I had actually forgotten about writing the majority of them. That led me to look back at my profile; take a little trip down memory lane, if you will. Not a pretty sight. I saw updates about my children, my husband, our finances, relationships, the weather, my life, all cleverly disguised complaints in one way or another. Some of them valid, some of them an attempt to change certain situations without actually stepping up and speaking my mind, but it was unsettling to say the least. From the outside looking in, I must seem like one miserable girl. I decided right then that I need to “detox” negativity out of my life.

Traci’s “Detox” Plan:

• Count my blessings. Literally. I’ve started a numbered list. It’s growing by the day.
• Let go of the toxic relationships I have in my life. I’m a little nervous about this one….but I’ve already started and can’t turn back now.
• Read “A Complaint Free World” (yay, Kindle! I have no excuse not buy it now!) and begin the 21-day challenge. I'm not wearing that rubber bracelet though. A rubber band will do just fine. ;-)
• Tell the people in my life that are responsible for things on my list in Step 1 how much I love and appreciate them. I don’t do it enough.
• Be accountable for and change the behaviors that cause negativity in my life, i.e. say what I mean and mean what I say. I dare say this could be the key.
• I should probably take a step back from Facebook for a while.
  
  This should be interesting.
  
  

JANUARY: Detox!!

I wish it wasn't so, but my body needs a break.  I could blame it on the last couple of months, but in reality, for the past several years, I haven't been too kind to my body.  Up until the past year, my body couldn't feel the toll that the late nights, the processed foods and the alcohol had taken.  But 35 seems to be the magic number, because I feel it ALL now.  I am starting to not only notice it on the inside (groggy, slow moving, uninspired) but I am now seeing it on the outside (weight gain & wrinkles - the horror).  The thought of going cold turkey of all things "bad but good" forever sounds terrible to me but doing it for a month sounds not only doable but refreshing.  So the month of January is dedicated to The Detox.  What "detox" means to me will be different to what it means to you.  Some of my more enlightened friends don't end their days with a nightcap or two every night.  And they might not eat hamburgers (sans the bun) and french fries a couple of times a week.  Don't judge.  My journey is about small, manageable steps to better my life and my community.  So, small, manageable steps will be taken in my "Detox" (at this point it deserves quotes).  Hopefully these changes will be made and continued on with through the rest of my years.  I know my body would be very happy with me... 

Ashley's "Detox" Plan:
1.  Nightcaps will only be allowed to be consumed on the weekends.  The jury is still out on whether that includes Sunday.  Don't judge.
2.  I will force myself to sweat for at least 45 minutes a day to expel some of these toxins that are screaming to get out.
3.  I will research and perform some kind of cleanse that still allows me to eat food. 
4.  I will make sure the food that I do eat is on the healthy side.
5.  I will keep you posted along the way.

Laissez les bon temps rouler...