Miss Congeniality

So, I haven’t posted this month because I couldn’t decide what to write or how I felt about aging. It has really been something I think about every night and when I read all of our posts.

Aging is something that I’ve never grasped. I had to “grow up” at a very young age because of life circumstances and unfortunately, I looked like a grown up at a very young age. I am now dealing with a daughter who looks 18 at age 12. Thankfully, I kept her mental age at 12 as well but I am now responsible for impressing my ideology about aging upon her.

Though I do secretly adore when she tells me how young I am and how pretty I am compared to the other parents of her friends and when strangers remark that we could be sisters, it also starts up my reflections on the long road it took to get where we are now and the fact that I have a very little one to raise in her very big (and admirable) footsteps. You can see in my photo just how incredible she is.

I wash my face, I brush my teeth, I eat pretty well. I have no health problems and I am not overweight. I drink too much caffeine and wine, I have 13 year old stretch marks and I unsuccessfully tried to dye my hair red and it’s now a lovely shade of white zinfandel. I try to exercise, but I suck at it. I stay up too late and I get up too early.

But, I have two children who I can’t wait to wake up every morning just to hear them say “Hi, Momma” and I love spending time with my baby boy and hearing all of the wonderful details about my daughter's day at Middle School. And, finally, after all these years I have a husband who adores me and tells me so. So, I’ll keep washing my face, and doing what I do because the only part of aging that matters to me is keeping the smile on my face.

Love, Me

I started Feb off wondering exactly what I could do to feel love and show love, as I’ve been struggling with this for years. I haven’t forgotten about it, it has been solidly on my mind throughout the past month. We have been going through tests for my 18 mo old son to figure out an illness that just started the end of Jan. What we were initially told was likely seizure disorder has now been ruled out and we are looking a possible diagnosis of a form of Palsy, due to a traumatic emergency delivery and that he stopped breathing after he was born. The also said his development, which due to prematurity we follow on a "corrected age" of -6 weeks, has now been delayed to -12 weeks. We will spend the next month taking him for more tests and assessments and will have to wait until April to know what is really happening in his little body. My husband and I are beyond frustrated, because I have seen him seize and tremor and shake now for 5 weeks with no answers and no way to stop it. My daughter is terrified and scared she’s going to “hurt” him. But, I have to say the love and support I have received from the few friends and family members I have shared this with has overwhelmed me. We are truly blessed and we will get through this, and our support system is nothing short of amazing.

Another thing that happened this month and gave me some new perspective is through the unfortunate loss of an Uncle, the family that I’ve not been in touch with since my (2nd) Dad passed away 3 years ago was reunited and it’s like we never were apart. What got me the most was this: though my Aunt and Uncle were older, they were high school sweethearts and they still lived with one another. Over the past years, his health had declined and her mental capacity had declined as well. When he passed away last weekend, she didn’t even know he had died, because she hadn’t known they were even in the same room, in the same home or even eating at the same table for quite a while. He was just a new face every evening when they sat down. Since she was unable to attend the funeral, they read one of many love letters she had written to him over the years as her part of the eulogy. Their daughter said that her Dad had saved all of them, because he knew that love for him was still inside of her and that he would read them from time to time. Man…that hit me so hard. Even if we get too busy to say it every day, I feel it and the people that I love deserve to know it. So, Shelly…thank you for posting the link on how to write a love letter before Valentine’s Day, because for the first time in my life, I wrote one to my husband. He cried when he read it. And hopefully, we won’t ever be sitting at the dinner table together and not recognize one another, but if so, he can pull out that letter and know that even though I wrote it years before, that very love is still inside of me.